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One of my favorite mantras is “What one man can do, another man can do.” I sincerely believe it.
I DONT WANNA BE A PLAYER NO MORE FULL
Nice guys frequently fail to live up to their full potential. Nice guys create situations in which they do not have very much good sex. Nice guys co-create relationships that are less than satisfying. Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy. Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim. Nice guys put other people's needs and wants before their own. Nice guys try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else. He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. They don’t work for a number of reasons, but Nice Guys are convinced they should.īecause most Nice Guys believe they have kept their side of the contract, they often feel helpless and resentful when other people (and the world) don’t keep their side of the contract. These covert contracts operate at an unconscious level. If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life. If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask. If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me). Nice Guys are guided by the following three “covert contracts: Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives.Ī Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. You’ll make some lucky woman very happy some day.”
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Only to hear something like, “You’re such a great guy. They patiently waited, hoping the women they desired would quit lamenting over “jerks” and wake up to see what great men they were. These guys helped out and listened to women talk about their problems. The guys who either couldn’t get a date or who were deeply entrenched in the friend zone with the women they desired. I began to notice other men who seemed to be a lot like me. I was sure the map was accurate, but no matter how hard I tried, it never got me to my desired destination.Īs my personal awareness increased, an interesting thing happened. It was like I was trying to navigate my away around Seattle with a map of San Francisco. I came to realize that the road map I had been using my entire life was extremely flawed and incapable of helping me get what I wanted. I began to learn about things like boundaries, self-care, self-soothing, and honesty. I slowly began to see how my “Nice Guy” behavior was not only not getting me what I wanted in my relationship, it was actually doing great damage. When it became apparent that our relationship wasn’t working well for either of us, I decided (actually, she gave me an ultimatum, “Go to counseling or I’m leaving.”) to join a men’s group and get some counseling. I was passive aggressive – expressing my pent up feelings and resentments in “humor,” put downs, sarcasm, and backhanded jabs.
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I sought external validation from other women. I avoided conflict and withheld any information – including my feelings and wants – that I thought might rock the boat or start a fight.